We're still holding steady at #20. I realized a few days ago that we passed the 11th month mark on the wait list over a week ago. WOW. Time flies even as it drags on.
Last summer I began to feel an itching desire that, quite truthfully, I never expected to ever feel. Out of the blue I decided that I could live with moving back to Iowa. I told that silly voice in the back of my mind to be quiet, for that has never been a part of our plans. After a few weeks this thought continued to buzz in my mind and I finally told Emerson. We began to explore what that kind of move would mean for us and grew in our confidence that what we were both feeling was the Lord's leading as our ambiguous dreams became refined and reshaped.
As we began to look toward the future, the timeline continued to be fuzzy because of, well, this other pretty huge life decision we had made and were in the process of realizing. Fear nestled deep in my heart about what moving would mean for our adoption. We had come so far, invested so much of ourselves, had seen God work so clearly in beautiful ways, for me to even consider messing with all that. So in his gentle goodness, God gave us a nudge. Not the type of nudge I really felt inclined to embrace, but an affirmation that the time to move is in the quickly approaching summer.
What I really didn't want to mess with was our home study. So much time, so much paperwork, so much scrutiny. Turns out, home studies are only good for a year and have to be updated anyways, so well, we did all the paperwork, again (though not as much), a few weeks ago. But this is actually a really good thing, because the more complete our paperwork is here in Missouri, the less time and expense it will be to have it updated again in Iowa. Also, as we began going through our home study update process our social worker informed us that the agency recommends that families not move for 6-12 months after bringing their child home. Which totally makes sense seeing how pretty much everything in their life has been altered and changing things again too quickly could disrupt their forming of attachments to our family. As I wrote in the last post, the time estimates have increased and we likely won't have our son home until next winter. So basically if we don't move before, we won't move for a while. Which makes me think, maybe God is giving us an opportunity to be rooted in a community before bringing him home.
And so we're preparing to move and God is giving us bigger dreams that we've had for a long time as we look forward to establishing a new life in Iowa. Emerson is applying for teaching jobs and we'd appreciate prayers for encouragement during this time of waiting to be wanted by a district. Looking for a home is taking a backseat until we know what town he'll be teaching in.
I was having a day of feeling sorry for myself when so many families have their kids home from Ethiopia and we are still waiting and why didn't we start the process sooner or take less time with our paperwork etc...
When I had a bit of an epiphany in the shower (because, hey, where else does a stay-at-home mom have a quiet moment to think?!) There were slightly less than 2,000 kids brought home from Ethiopia last year. And usually I get all mopey like, "All those kids! So many, but not ours..." When I realized, that is not very many. It's a few hundred less than the year before and when compared to the population of the United States is hardly a fraction of a percent. In fact, that's not even half the population of my hometown. But you know what? Of those few kids scattered throughout the whole country one just came home to a family in my tiny hometown, a family that goes to my parents church and has even been to Family Camp at Hidden Acres. I am convinced God is preparing a community for us in Iowa, and grace upon grace, our son will grow up in Iowa with another little boy adopted from the same country in Africa.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Still 20
So we're still #20, or we miss counted when referrals were coming in this fall and have just become #20. Either way, I'm starting to hate the #20 as much as I hated the #30. Bleech. Waiting is hard. But God is good. His plans for me are good. His timing is perfect. We found out last week that the estimated wait times for families at the top of the referral list (which I guess we are since I'm certain the list has well over 100 families waiting since it was at 90+ back in October) has changed from 12 months to 15-18 months. The agency official estimated wait time has always been 12 months, but when we submitted our paperwork to get onto the list back in April families were getting their referrals after only 6-9 months. We started hoping for a referral by Christmas. We were #20 at Christmas. That was 2 months ago. So we started hoping for February. Still 20. Now our agency says that instead of hoping for a referral in April (12 months) we should adjust our expectations again to sometime between July and October. That was sad, hard news. My plans seemed so good! My plans didn't include having to update our home study and reapply to USCIS. My plans were simple, straightforward. Not this twisting path of hope and disappointment. I'll confess this though - my faith would be so much smaller and weaker had I not been led on this winding path. These are the verses that have been speaking to my heart recently:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that they testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us. - Romans 5:3-5
Of course this journey we've been on for a year and a half is about adopting a son from Ethiopia. But I'm learning that when God's Spirit calls you to something its rarely ever just about the thing. Remember that saying, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing, and the main thing is Jesus."? It's true. I've learned so much about orphans and God's heart for adoption, and the spiritual realities of our sonship as we've been adopted into the family of God through faith in Jesus. But I'm also learning much about myself, my faith, my relationship with Jesus, the fears that I think I keep hidden.
God is good. His plans for me are good. His timing is perfect. It is his love, not any number on a list or estimated wait time, that pours hope into my heart. Hope anchored to Christ never disappoints.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that they testing of your faith develops PERSEVERANCE. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us. - Romans 5:3-5
Of course this journey we've been on for a year and a half is about adopting a son from Ethiopia. But I'm learning that when God's Spirit calls you to something its rarely ever just about the thing. Remember that saying, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing, and the main thing is Jesus."? It's true. I've learned so much about orphans and God's heart for adoption, and the spiritual realities of our sonship as we've been adopted into the family of God through faith in Jesus. But I'm also learning much about myself, my faith, my relationship with Jesus, the fears that I think I keep hidden.
God is good. His plans for me are good. His timing is perfect. It is his love, not any number on a list or estimated wait time, that pours hope into my heart. Hope anchored to Christ never disappoints.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So I didn't actually end up blogging two days in a row. Who did I even think I was kidding. While I'm glad that I wrote the last post of updates, I feel like the motivation to write sort of got used up. Now, what I thought was important for me to document has sort of lost its immediacy. Or perhaps it is because winter has finally arrived to Missouri in this second week of January. Alas...
I guess what I really want to write about was the duration of my longing for a son. I know. This blog is totally a bummer. Longing... waiting... longing... Which gets me to thinking about the relativity of time. We've been waiting nearly 9 months. I was engaged longer than that. Oh that wedding day seemed so decidedly out of reach. And then along the way I blinked and opened my eyes to 7.5 years of marriage, a five year old and a 2.5 year old.
I was thinking the other morning about children. Specifically, my desire to become a mother. Six years ago this month Emerson and I boarded a plane for Skopje, Macedonia. My heart was nearly torn to shreds with longing. I had just miscarried our first child. My arms ached for a child. And while in Macedonia I began to pray, earnestly, fervently, face to the floor with tears streaming down my face that, like Hannah, God would hear the longing of my heart and give me a son. (1 Samuel 1) I prayed that, like Barnabas, he would be a son of encouragement (Acts 4:36)
About 9 months later we welcomed our daughter Angalina into the world. God had heard my prayers and indeed answered them in his own perfect way. Juniper arrived 2.5 years later. Honestly we were a bit surprised by the emergence of another baby girl, but thrilled. Our God gives good gifts. When we started the adoption paperwork chase a little over a year ago it seemed most likely that we would wind up with a boy. That was just the statistical odds at the time. By the end of our paperwork journey those odds had flipped and we had a decision to make. Do we specify a gender preference (which honestly, just saying "preference" didn't sit well) or do we remain open to the quickest placement of either gender. At first we left our option open. Ane persisted in adamantly proclaiming her desire for a brother. We reasoned and prayed and sought godly counsel. Is making our preference known an act of wresting with God for control of our fate, or just another act of obedience, following the path he laid out for us? In the end we decided to just go for it and request a boy. We have all felt such peace over this decision. Ane prays daily for her brother. Such heart-felt, innocent, faithful prayers for him.
And as I was praying for him yesterday it struck me. I have not been waiting 9 months for my son. I have been waiting 6 years. Ever since first giving voice to the desire of my heart for a son, an encourager to me. God is answering my prayer, but he has invited me to participate with him in realizing the desire of my heart. This road has been fraught with doubt, discouragement, distraction and fear, but in this journey I have deepened intimacy with the One who calls me to adventure by his side. And isn't that his greatest gift? The gift of his abiding presence as we seek to follow him. I truly believe that God speaks to us through the desires of our hearts. For when we seek the fulfillment of those desires in Him it is He Himself whom we will always find.
As a teenager I came across a quote written in the dorm room of a friend with whom I stayed on a college visit. It stuck me as powerful and I wrote it down and it hung on my mirror until my parents sold our home after I had moved out. It said:
My goal is God Himself.
Not joy, nor peace, nor even blessing,
but Himself, my God.
All our hearts long for find fulfillment in Him. My son, the one for whom my heart cried out with longing, has been found in this journey of obedience and communion with my Savior.
I guess what I really want to write about was the duration of my longing for a son. I know. This blog is totally a bummer. Longing... waiting... longing... Which gets me to thinking about the relativity of time. We've been waiting nearly 9 months. I was engaged longer than that. Oh that wedding day seemed so decidedly out of reach. And then along the way I blinked and opened my eyes to 7.5 years of marriage, a five year old and a 2.5 year old.
I was thinking the other morning about children. Specifically, my desire to become a mother. Six years ago this month Emerson and I boarded a plane for Skopje, Macedonia. My heart was nearly torn to shreds with longing. I had just miscarried our first child. My arms ached for a child. And while in Macedonia I began to pray, earnestly, fervently, face to the floor with tears streaming down my face that, like Hannah, God would hear the longing of my heart and give me a son. (1 Samuel 1) I prayed that, like Barnabas, he would be a son of encouragement (Acts 4:36)
About 9 months later we welcomed our daughter Angalina into the world. God had heard my prayers and indeed answered them in his own perfect way. Juniper arrived 2.5 years later. Honestly we were a bit surprised by the emergence of another baby girl, but thrilled. Our God gives good gifts. When we started the adoption paperwork chase a little over a year ago it seemed most likely that we would wind up with a boy. That was just the statistical odds at the time. By the end of our paperwork journey those odds had flipped and we had a decision to make. Do we specify a gender preference (which honestly, just saying "preference" didn't sit well) or do we remain open to the quickest placement of either gender. At first we left our option open. Ane persisted in adamantly proclaiming her desire for a brother. We reasoned and prayed and sought godly counsel. Is making our preference known an act of wresting with God for control of our fate, or just another act of obedience, following the path he laid out for us? In the end we decided to just go for it and request a boy. We have all felt such peace over this decision. Ane prays daily for her brother. Such heart-felt, innocent, faithful prayers for him.
And as I was praying for him yesterday it struck me. I have not been waiting 9 months for my son. I have been waiting 6 years. Ever since first giving voice to the desire of my heart for a son, an encourager to me. God is answering my prayer, but he has invited me to participate with him in realizing the desire of my heart. This road has been fraught with doubt, discouragement, distraction and fear, but in this journey I have deepened intimacy with the One who calls me to adventure by his side. And isn't that his greatest gift? The gift of his abiding presence as we seek to follow him. I truly believe that God speaks to us through the desires of our hearts. For when we seek the fulfillment of those desires in Him it is He Himself whom we will always find.
As a teenager I came across a quote written in the dorm room of a friend with whom I stayed on a college visit. It stuck me as powerful and I wrote it down and it hung on my mirror until my parents sold our home after I had moved out. It said:
My goal is God Himself.
Not joy, nor peace, nor even blessing,
but Himself, my God.
All our hearts long for find fulfillment in Him. My son, the one for whom my heart cried out with longing, has been found in this journey of obedience and communion with my Savior.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It's been a long time since I last wrote. Wow, I just checked the date of my last post. It's been a really long time. Things, amazing things, have happened regarding our adoption over the past few months of blog silence. I keep telling myself that I'll write when something blog-worthy happens. Then when it does, I don't. Now another shift in my heart that I'd like to write about, but I feel so compelled to document all of the ways God deluged us with his grace this autumn as well. Where to begin?!
We spent much of the fall waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Which, honestly we expected to do. I mean, we are on the Waiting Families List. It's what characterizes this stage of the adoption process. The paper chase complete, we wait to be matched with our child. While waiting in itself can be excruciating when one longs for what they are waiting for, waiting without any sign of progress can become demoralizing. This category of waiting was one we had not expected. Families were flying through the list when we started our journey at #42. We moved swiftly to #30. And then held steady for over 3 months. Stuck. Stagnant. It felt like nothing was happening. And yet we fully realize now that so much was happening behind the scenes.
On October 9 we had the tremendous joy of making a day trip to St. Louis to eat lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant with the incredible women in the Ethiopia Program at Children's Hope and other families who had adopted from Ethiopia, or like us were waiting for their children. Grace upon grace, my parents were visiting that weekend and made the trip with us. The food and company was outstanding, but the image that is burnished in my mind is of my two girls playing with a 3 year old boy adopted last year from Ethiopia. My heart swelled as the thought flashed: "This is a glimpse of your future family." Tears still spring to my eyes to remember that sweet moment. Longing. Oh, my longing for my son.
The day was bittersweet for our family too, as we said good-bye to our faithful, and faithfully amazing, social worker, Ashley, who was moving on from Children's Hope. It was a joy to tell her in person just how much she had meant to us, how much we treasured having her hold our hands as our trustworthy guide on this journey.
And still, we waited. Glimmers of progress broke through. We received a wonderful grant from a Missouri adoption grant agency, Kinsman Redeemer. We worked hard for our friends at Buckeye Acres, manning the entrance and painting faces at their pumpkin patch for all five weekends in October.
We were saving up for a new computer, but God sweetly arranged for our pumpkin patch money to go towards bringing our child home when some dear friends gifted us with a brand spanking new computer. What?! Who does that?! Sam and Stephanie that's who. And wouldn't it be just like God to heap blessing and goodness and grace upon us all at once so that we swirl wide-eyed in the vastness of his love? The very day that Stephanie dropped our our new computer was the very first day in over 3 months that we received an email telling us that finally a child had been referred to a waiting family. And just like that we were waiting family #29.
November was filled with birthday parties, family visitors, and many cake orders including this beauty :)
Which I never would have pulled off without the rock star assistance of my remarkably talented sister, Jenna.
The day after my family traveled home to Iowa we received a letter from Show Hope, an adoption assistance organization founded by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. This was the only other grant we had applied too. Our sweet social worker told us we stood a good chance of being awarded at least something from them, based on her experience. I think I sobbed for a full 10 minutes when we opened that letter and saw that we had been awarded more than double the average amount they typically award. Boundless grace. Over the summer I met another adoptive mom who told me, "God funds what he favors." Hallelujah. Amen. The combination of our two grants covers our final payment to our agency. The amount we have saved thus far will get us to Ethiopia and back at least once. We began this journey with wide-eyed faith, fully aware that on our own we were incapable of realizing this dream. From the moment we said yes to this vision of adoption our Heavenly Father has confirmed repeatedly that this dream is his calling on our lives. As we obey he continues to provide.
As I said above. Things, big things, blog worthy things, have been happening. And yet, still we wait, but our wait is getting shorter.
Yep, those beautiful girls standing in front of our chicken pen are holding a sign that says 20.
I had a flash of panic mid-December when I realize that time was running out to renew my passport. Boo for no more smiling in the ID pictures. Alas. I am not in high school any longer. About time my passport reflected that fact. I've also been attempting to arrange for vaccinations. Thanks, Mom, for keeping such a scrupulous shot record for me :) Hopefully I can find a clinic closer than Liberty (1.5 hours away) that will give me a typhoid vax.
I guess that's all the logistical updates I have for now, but this post has become long. Almost as long as my period of blog silence. But I still I'd like to share my thoughts about our coming son. Would posting two days in a row cause my computer to melt down in shock? I think this new one can handle it. So I'll close with this: This is the year. 2012 is the year we meet our son and our family of 4 grows to 5. Hallelujah!
We spent much of the fall waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Which, honestly we expected to do. I mean, we are on the Waiting Families List. It's what characterizes this stage of the adoption process. The paper chase complete, we wait to be matched with our child. While waiting in itself can be excruciating when one longs for what they are waiting for, waiting without any sign of progress can become demoralizing. This category of waiting was one we had not expected. Families were flying through the list when we started our journey at #42. We moved swiftly to #30. And then held steady for over 3 months. Stuck. Stagnant. It felt like nothing was happening. And yet we fully realize now that so much was happening behind the scenes.
On October 9 we had the tremendous joy of making a day trip to St. Louis to eat lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant with the incredible women in the Ethiopia Program at Children's Hope and other families who had adopted from Ethiopia, or like us were waiting for their children. Grace upon grace, my parents were visiting that weekend and made the trip with us. The food and company was outstanding, but the image that is burnished in my mind is of my two girls playing with a 3 year old boy adopted last year from Ethiopia. My heart swelled as the thought flashed: "This is a glimpse of your future family." Tears still spring to my eyes to remember that sweet moment. Longing. Oh, my longing for my son.
The day was bittersweet for our family too, as we said good-bye to our faithful, and faithfully amazing, social worker, Ashley, who was moving on from Children's Hope. It was a joy to tell her in person just how much she had meant to us, how much we treasured having her hold our hands as our trustworthy guide on this journey.
And still, we waited. Glimmers of progress broke through. We received a wonderful grant from a Missouri adoption grant agency, Kinsman Redeemer. We worked hard for our friends at Buckeye Acres, manning the entrance and painting faces at their pumpkin patch for all five weekends in October.
We were saving up for a new computer, but God sweetly arranged for our pumpkin patch money to go towards bringing our child home when some dear friends gifted us with a brand spanking new computer. What?! Who does that?! Sam and Stephanie that's who. And wouldn't it be just like God to heap blessing and goodness and grace upon us all at once so that we swirl wide-eyed in the vastness of his love? The very day that Stephanie dropped our our new computer was the very first day in over 3 months that we received an email telling us that finally a child had been referred to a waiting family. And just like that we were waiting family #29.
November was filled with birthday parties, family visitors, and many cake orders including this beauty :)
The day after my family traveled home to Iowa we received a letter from Show Hope, an adoption assistance organization founded by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth. This was the only other grant we had applied too. Our sweet social worker told us we stood a good chance of being awarded at least something from them, based on her experience. I think I sobbed for a full 10 minutes when we opened that letter and saw that we had been awarded more than double the average amount they typically award. Boundless grace. Over the summer I met another adoptive mom who told me, "God funds what he favors." Hallelujah. Amen. The combination of our two grants covers our final payment to our agency. The amount we have saved thus far will get us to Ethiopia and back at least once. We began this journey with wide-eyed faith, fully aware that on our own we were incapable of realizing this dream. From the moment we said yes to this vision of adoption our Heavenly Father has confirmed repeatedly that this dream is his calling on our lives. As we obey he continues to provide.
As I said above. Things, big things, blog worthy things, have been happening. And yet, still we wait, but our wait is getting shorter.
Yep, those beautiful girls standing in front of our chicken pen are holding a sign that says 20.
I had a flash of panic mid-December when I realize that time was running out to renew my passport. Boo for no more smiling in the ID pictures. Alas. I am not in high school any longer. About time my passport reflected that fact. I've also been attempting to arrange for vaccinations. Thanks, Mom, for keeping such a scrupulous shot record for me :) Hopefully I can find a clinic closer than Liberty (1.5 hours away) that will give me a typhoid vax.
I guess that's all the logistical updates I have for now, but this post has become long. Almost as long as my period of blog silence. But I still I'd like to share my thoughts about our coming son. Would posting two days in a row cause my computer to melt down in shock? I think this new one can handle it. So I'll close with this: This is the year. 2012 is the year we meet our son and our family of 4 grows to 5. Hallelujah!
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